Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
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I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
where the womens at?
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!