No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
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Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.