There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
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“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs