“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
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(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
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My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.