Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
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my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.