Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
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Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
screw you
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”