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Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Just a friendly reminder!
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.