[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
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[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
*sewing*
A thread
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”