cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
You Might Also Like
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
The biggest mystery of our time
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.