the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
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I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.