Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
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Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN