2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
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I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
SF is the wild wild west man
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.