The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
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My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station