20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
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I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.