Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
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To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.