Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
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7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit