Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
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Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
As the Lord intended
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.