who called it a toilet and not an IP address
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It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.