Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
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Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!