[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
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My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”