how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
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4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
This is why I hate group projects
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.