65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
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ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.