If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
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Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Air conditioning – not a fan
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
They’re really bad with fonts.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted