did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
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I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.