me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
You Might Also Like
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
when revenge coincides with naptime
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
If only.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.