I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
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I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
is this a threat
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Science memes
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.