In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
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Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Not today. 😅
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.