Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
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When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!