Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
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My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
the #horror is real!
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.