Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
You Might Also Like
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
#Caturday
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.