my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
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[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
What number SPF blocks people?
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.