Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
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*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*