I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
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“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone