Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
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BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious