i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
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Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Finally a use for spoilers…
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
I’m being attacked 😭
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.