Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
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I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.