One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
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My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.