My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
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Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
I thought this was funny lol
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Whoa… oh I see lol
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.