ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
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What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.