My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
You Might Also Like
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars