we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
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My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
God has abandoned us.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”