[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
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The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.