me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
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If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes