Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
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Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
those birds must be on payroll
Wake me when AI does housework
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Doctors texting each other.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
What about second breakfast?
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.