(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
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I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Seductively sings in Klingon.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”