It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
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My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.