Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
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Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom