Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
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A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.