If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
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Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.