When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
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Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?